toying of potential ways

The toying of potential ways of making a living are made of cut and dry leaves. Everyone is equipped with personal pursuit. Mine is of my Gift, that uniquely being art as I'm good at it and wanting to enjoy doing that has been beckoning me as a purpose. Purpose in itself is painfully far from being close to accepting or being truly realized. Everyone has the potentially life-changing, important opportunity awaiting -- all of which carry enormous stress, which I have always handled badly. At a time I thought I lacked courage, but now I realize I wasn't equipped for the journey, my constitution wasn't up to it, and my body was telling me so every way it could. What appeared to be procrastination, or opportunity squandered, was in fact the instinct of self-survival doing my 'thinking' for me.

What's more remarkable is that my passion in art has been shifting dramatically and inexplicably over the last few years -- to aesthetic conveyances that are much less ambitious and stressful, more peaceful, more local and more personal. My instincts are driving this, and my brain has, as always, been slow to catch on.

Looking back at all these changes, all of which had people doubting my sanity, I realize now that I've been trying to start taking much better care of my myself, and that does happen to need recovery especially at regular intervals due to lifes various exhautions.

When I started the blog I knew something was very wrong, but wasn't sure what it was -- just that I needed to figure it out. As the saying goes, "Regret and fear are twin thieves that rob us of today". Leaving my conflicts behind me is a necessary and liberating step, but if I know myself well -- I need to work hard and quickly to find something fulfilling and valued properly for those I hold closest to me and inevitably with introspect -- to help myself heal.

This is the internal analogue of course, the way I use it is very different from the external space under my care. But whoever said it would be easy? This will be a lifelong program. We can never hope to understand let alone undo all the damage we so called civilized humans have done and are still doing to ourselves, but we can learn and remediate and improve through trial and error, one tiny bit at a time. There are hundreds of possible elements to a treatment, only by working painstakingly, while being holistic and modest in embracing complexity we become a little more complete at the end of our day.