if i had a lightsaber

“If I had a ligthsaber, which I don't, yet. I would kick your ass. Or at least scare you a little bit and force you to watch all the Star Wars movies until you were mentally empty inside. Trust me, I did that with my ex and she dumped me seventeen hours later.” – SW forum.

For shame to say I’m with few choice words to explain how I am a shipwreck of a son who cannot happen to help save Mother’s Day. Some people just make it so easy to put it off (for example, as in you not visiting this site to dawdle here for awhile, getting a better understanding of this person writing or a sense of intimacy as it were). The same is true for most things. I think this is all a symptom of the stress of modern society. Too much information and too little time to deal with it.

As a society we have become increasingly stressed as individuals. The causes are multitudinous: economic, population levels, pollution are just a few. Individuals growing up today are under a constant assault of information. As I’ve mentioned before the sum of all human knowledge is on a logarithmic progression doubling under. As a species we have not evolved to handle this type of stress. This is constant, unending, ever increasing stress. We are only designed to handle sudden jolts of fight/flight stress. We have been born into a world that is continuously increasing the stresses on individuals. Is it any wonder that we’re living in a world of walls, be it visual, olfactory or aural, and that our art will reflect that wall of stress?

The perfect example of all fine art or ability falling apart under stress is Star Wars. This subject is tricky so I'm going to have to start at the beginning and go through it for everyone at home.

Star Wars: (1977) The greatest space movie of all time, hands down, no question. There willnever be another space movie better than the original. (Blade Runner doesn't count because it's in Los Angeles, which is kind of like outer space and yet not). A funny thought just occurred to me. A good name for a porno. Star Wars (A Nude Hope).

Empire: (1980) Empire is the darkest of the three and thus my favourite. Even though common sense, and economics, dictated that there would be a third film it was nice to see the good guys lose for a change. I must bring up one thing though. YODA. Though passable in places, the arrival of this character signalled the beginning of the end as far as I was concerned. The cheese factor (or CF) could only grow in leaps and bounds from there. The Hoth stuff was cool, as was Bespin.

Jedi: (1983) Like child abuse, I've tried to block out Jedi's existence for some time. The arrival of the Ewoks was just too much to bare. Was it just me or were there far too many burping noises in this film? And what's with all the fucking musical numbers? The cantina scene in A New Hope was one thing, but that bullshit at Jaba's Palace was embarrassing. The little Ewok "yub nub... jub jub... nub nub jubbity joo" song in it’s full glory at the end just made things worse, like being thrown into a dark pit only to discover that it's filled with 200 Bushmasters that haven't eaten in a month. But the crowning moment of cheese was when Chewie did that whole Tarzan swing onto that Imperial Walker with his hair dressing Ewok buddies. That moment ruined the whole picture for me. Not even the special edition could save that film (and I own all the known editions in the world). Now don't get me wrong. It's a Star Wars film so I love it by default. But as far as epic conclusions go I could have done without the fat fucking lizard, 2500 teddy bears, and a guy who played the Emperor who was about as evil as some jaded, bitter fuck sitting around at The Railway Club bitching about how they became a has-been without actually being anything at all. It could have been done so much better. I don't want to talk about it anymore. It makes my insides hurt.

So, we come to the new movies. In 1999, before having seen the release of the first of three care given prequels, I really didn’t care what it was going to be like as long as it didn't play to childish sensibilities. I wasn’t eager to rob the younger generation of anything but as we all know these were our movies, not theirs. I gave my hopes up and because of that have come to learn; we will always be disappointed when the saga ends and the circle is complete.

Yes, it’s weird. Perhaps all I’m trying to say is…Sometimes love hurts. Kicked my ass and made a mess out of me.

Anyways. Tell your mother I said thanks.

She is so sweat.