just to stay in this real life situation

It’s Just Jetlag, I’d tell myself. I remember stumbling to the toilet and looking in the mirror at myself trying to decide if I was going to vomit or not. Instead, it went the other way on me. Something's wrong when you find yourself not looking directly at yourself any longer and rather more distantly. I wonder if it's my own depression, which is closer to me. I try really, very hard. Sometimes I would think I’m the evil incarnate of man. If you didn't already see me as of late, you may not have captured that weight on my flesh. I would look at myself in the mirror, a chaste of disgust, yet there's a streak of refusal to look at what I’m pulling. I later emerged, staggered, seeing that I was unwell, all I wanted was to go back to bed. Out to work I went. It’s Just Jetlag.

In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been practising my personal right to be an asshole this holiday season. In the spirit of things, I wanted to do something out of the ordinary with regards to the always tedious ‘year in review’ post that is all but common as saying 9/11 made me crazy. As I’m examining 2005 from a personal perspective, attempting to be as honest and forthright as possible, what I can give you is this little regress...

This year began in the grips of something that’s becoming more prominent in my life, a feeling of general disinterest in most of the things that have consumed me. After a season in psychiatric therapy, in an attempt to bust out of the blues, I booked a trip to Vancouver. And then, as is always my luck, everything went sideways once there. But it was a trip well worth remembering and I think I should book plenty more once I’m comfortable with the idea once again. But hey man, there’s always an upside! And well, for one thing I’m now a government employee. All I can say is, it beats labour.

Of all the things I’ve seen, read, and experienced this past year, by the end of it all I must say that I’m brought to tears. Yet sometimes we, and yes, I mention myself too because I’m as fallible as anyone else, we do not even break with form to familiarity, responding to cries of help with the emotionality of a stone. Over the last few months I’ve received numerous emails condemning me for not focusing on the positive aspects of life or tragedy, and I have sat in silence, blankly staring at this screen, stunned by them.

Have we been so submerged in denial as to not be able to look at this and ourselves plainly? Have we become so accustomed to living each day in a state of constant self affirmation and arrogance that we must intrinsically find some fantastic aspect to all of this to better demonstrate that even in the face of mass incompetence, tarnishing our fantastic exterior is inconceivable?

2005 has claimed a unknown number of lives. So too has government inefficiency. But why must we look for examples of heroism to help combat the realities that tragedy has made plain? Those that acted to save lives did so because they possess a decency that, by all accounts, seems to be absent from many in positions of authority. Therefore, using such stories of heroism to deflect criticism from those whose incompetence cost lives is beyond revolting.

If positivism is what you’re after, besides donating money to help the victims of waking-disaster, start asking yourself some tough questions about government, about how we view the loss of life in other parts of the world or in our own communities, ask about the realities of poverty and inequality in our society, and how we have grown distant from each other despite the fact that there are more of us now than ever before. Perhaps, when all is said and done, tears should encompass more of our days. Maybe then more might be done about the state of this world and with our own lives rather than very little, with a smile.


WARNING: Imagine, if you will, where you’ll begin this new years eve. If it is, in a sense, beginning at the exact same place as you began last year – maybe in front of your television – expect the same shit of 2005 to happen yet again in the year of 2006. As for me, my plans have yet to progress. But I hope that my tendency for spending a lot of money will diminish for only essential items as in food or computers. Actually, I’m hoping for 2006 to be my big start towards being a bit of a financial hermit, probably because I’m going to develop myself even more as a homebody and rarely go anywhere that requires me to spend money. Note to self – if successful, continue trend.

...And to all my readers, have a safe and Happy New Year.