then there was nothing but stars
At exactly 12:01 AM I realized I had forgotten my girlfriends birthday a day too late. I left my room and made my way to the front door. There were two police officers waiting there to escort me to the vehicle. And as I emerged from the carport into the driveway the crowd erupted like their home team had lost to a winning goal for the world cup. This made me hesitate a little. I hadn't been outside since I'd left school and was taken back by the multitudes that had come to see me burn. So it was safe to assume that I was trying my best not to turn and run or throw-up all over my shoes. After pausing briefly I started walking again and eventually reached the vehicle. I paused again slightly, and stood there for a second longer trying to catch my breathe and then I opened my mouth. And this is what I said:
'There used to be this place I went when I needed to think about things. It's not far from here, just a block or two towards the ravine. Anyway, I used to sit there are say to myself 'Man, what're you going to do with your life after all of this beginning stuff has ended'. And every time I asked myself that question I could only come up with one answer: 'I'm going to be better than I am now. Everything's going to be better than it is now. And that'll be enough'. I find it funny that I've never told this to a living soul before today and now I'm doing it in front of a live audience... But I guess that's my whole point. How come most people think that way? How come everything that has to do with improvement revolves around the future? How come it just can't be that way now? I realize that a lot of you might think I'm just some naive kid, but I've given it a lot of thought and I don't see that it's such an immature point of view. If the world is just some place where people disagree about everything all the time and we can justify that by calling it 'educated' or 'advanced' or 'enlightened versus unenlightened' then I'd have to say it's all bullshit...'
There were a variety of gasps from the crowd due to the use of profanity. 'You'll pay for this!', 'You forgot your girlfriends birthday you fucker!', 'Oh my dear Lord it's the end of the world!'
I continued, 'John F. Kennedy once said that we all have something in common. We all share this small planet and we are all mortal. I find it hard to believe that the pursuit of eternity can cause such divisions between people. That our mortality itself can be transformed into a barrier that divides people instead of bringing them together. And I'm not going to stand here and say that religious differences are the only root of that problem. Not at all. Social standing divides people, beauty divides people, intelligence divides people, the control of geography divides people, even skin colour divides people. Sometimes it's nothing more than a brief glance in a hallway somewhere that rubs someone the wrong way. And for what? There's nothing more decadent than applauding our intelligence while we allow such divisions to affect our everyday lives. What if heaven wasn't just for Christians or Jews or Muslims or anyone else for that matter? What if it's just like the world? What if it's for everyone? What then? More of the same? Or does everyone suddenly undergo some big change or heart when they get there? I've had the opportunity to gain some insight into it and I can tell you this. It's not so different from life down here. It's not without hate or mistrust. It's just a place to make bigger mistakes because we've got an eternity to make them. If one thing's true about our mortality let this be it: we're given this life to try and realize our mistakes in time enough to learn from them. And in this day and age, after everything we as a species has been through, if we can't learn from those mistakes then we're doomed to repeat them. And not only in this life. Because what are we if not our basic selves? Are we transformed into something more enlightened and understanding? I dunno about you but it's an awful big assumption. Maybe someday there will be a great awakening and all of this will cease to exist as it does now. And when that day comes and the clock stops ticking you might find yourself looking for your own place to think. And maybe you'll ask yourself the same questions I have. And on that day, just maybe, everyone will find the same answers. We, like I, will make it up to ourselves someway, somehow. I'm finished for now, so go ahead and shoot...' and through the air came the sound of a great and massive thunder clap. And at that moment my head jerked back suddenly and my body seemed to rise off the ground as if in slow motion. And then there was nothing but stars. Cool grass and a warm breeze.
I awoke to a brilliant solar system of stars. Billions of them, all sparkling and filled with possibility. And as I watched them slowly pass in front of my eyes I began to count them, one by one. And as I did that I felt my being slip away and my mind cleared of everything save the numbers. And that's all there is to it I'm afraid. No parades, no medals, no endearing last lines. Just the wind. And the fact that it blows over all of us at one time or another.
'There used to be this place I went when I needed to think about things. It's not far from here, just a block or two towards the ravine. Anyway, I used to sit there are say to myself 'Man, what're you going to do with your life after all of this beginning stuff has ended'. And every time I asked myself that question I could only come up with one answer: 'I'm going to be better than I am now. Everything's going to be better than it is now. And that'll be enough'. I find it funny that I've never told this to a living soul before today and now I'm doing it in front of a live audience... But I guess that's my whole point. How come most people think that way? How come everything that has to do with improvement revolves around the future? How come it just can't be that way now? I realize that a lot of you might think I'm just some naive kid, but I've given it a lot of thought and I don't see that it's such an immature point of view. If the world is just some place where people disagree about everything all the time and we can justify that by calling it 'educated' or 'advanced' or 'enlightened versus unenlightened' then I'd have to say it's all bullshit...'
There were a variety of gasps from the crowd due to the use of profanity. 'You'll pay for this!', 'You forgot your girlfriends birthday you fucker!', 'Oh my dear Lord it's the end of the world!'
I continued, 'John F. Kennedy once said that we all have something in common. We all share this small planet and we are all mortal. I find it hard to believe that the pursuit of eternity can cause such divisions between people. That our mortality itself can be transformed into a barrier that divides people instead of bringing them together. And I'm not going to stand here and say that religious differences are the only root of that problem. Not at all. Social standing divides people, beauty divides people, intelligence divides people, the control of geography divides people, even skin colour divides people. Sometimes it's nothing more than a brief glance in a hallway somewhere that rubs someone the wrong way. And for what? There's nothing more decadent than applauding our intelligence while we allow such divisions to affect our everyday lives. What if heaven wasn't just for Christians or Jews or Muslims or anyone else for that matter? What if it's just like the world? What if it's for everyone? What then? More of the same? Or does everyone suddenly undergo some big change or heart when they get there? I've had the opportunity to gain some insight into it and I can tell you this. It's not so different from life down here. It's not without hate or mistrust. It's just a place to make bigger mistakes because we've got an eternity to make them. If one thing's true about our mortality let this be it: we're given this life to try and realize our mistakes in time enough to learn from them. And in this day and age, after everything we as a species has been through, if we can't learn from those mistakes then we're doomed to repeat them. And not only in this life. Because what are we if not our basic selves? Are we transformed into something more enlightened and understanding? I dunno about you but it's an awful big assumption. Maybe someday there will be a great awakening and all of this will cease to exist as it does now. And when that day comes and the clock stops ticking you might find yourself looking for your own place to think. And maybe you'll ask yourself the same questions I have. And on that day, just maybe, everyone will find the same answers. We, like I, will make it up to ourselves someway, somehow. I'm finished for now, so go ahead and shoot...' and through the air came the sound of a great and massive thunder clap. And at that moment my head jerked back suddenly and my body seemed to rise off the ground as if in slow motion. And then there was nothing but stars. Cool grass and a warm breeze.
I awoke to a brilliant solar system of stars. Billions of them, all sparkling and filled with possibility. And as I watched them slowly pass in front of my eyes I began to count them, one by one. And as I did that I felt my being slip away and my mind cleared of everything save the numbers. And that's all there is to it I'm afraid. No parades, no medals, no endearing last lines. Just the wind. And the fact that it blows over all of us at one time or another.
posted by daneatkinson at 10.9.05
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